Opening the Junk Drawer

You know the one you put those pieces of paper that you’ve scribbled nothings on; old receipts with credit card details; paper-clips and spare batteries: the bits and pieces of your life that your not sure where to store permanently? That one place you put things to forget about them? Well, I opened mine the other day, and what I found tucked away at the bottom was a picture of you and me together. You remember, that one that Becca took, the one where we’re both looking in the same direction, where you look sexy and I look happy? To see it again made my heart stop and it fucking floored me. While I’ve accepted you’re not in my life anymore, I’m still not ready to store you away for good, to put you down as a memory, an experience to learn from. And as much as I try to forget, I just can’t. Even after all this time, I am still in love with you…

you and me

your voice breaks my heart and heals my wounds. just to know you exist gives me hope in a world that doesn’t seem to care about me. you make me feel like i fit, like i mean something, that this isn’t all futile. and yet, i know i’ll never have you. you will never love me like i love you, and i’m struggling to cope with it. i thought i was over you, but just to hear your voice reminds me of everything i felt then and, if i’m honest, feel now. i need to move on, because this isn’t good for me, but i honestly don’t know how to live without you in my life.

primal scream

to run and never look back. to swear and not apologize. to live without guilt. to laugh without fear. to cry without embarrassment. to love without being hurt. to kiss you without wondering ‘where is this going?’. to feel safe in the moment. to be free. to be myself. to be happy. to make this moment count. to live life to the full.

slow fade

just because my body's out of this mess, doesn't mean my heart is.

the other side

this heartache is infinite.

i long to have you next to me,

to watch you slumber and dream.

i miss you

my bones

ache

under

this weight;

your

absence.

almost lover

"goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream, i'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be? so long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. should have known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do"

a fine frenzy

the old addiction. i saw him the other day. a brief, fleeting meeting, but he still gave me butterflies in my stomach; a feeling as fresh as the first time i ever met him and still as intense. it's been nearly two years. i'm only nineteen. it's a long time to feel this way, and i can't see it changing anytime soon

he's my first love

i know how foolish it sounds, but he is. distance, new relationships, growth, change; he's still the benchmark i compare everyone else to and nobody even comes close. certainly not for long and once the initial rush fades away.

he is the rush

he has a certain permanence. i can't pin him down, i can't say what it is, but i feel myself irretrievably and undeniably connected to him. i reckon part of me will always love him, and right now all of me does, despite my attempts to suppress it...